Concert Ettiquette

As you may or may not know, I was fortunate enough to see Matchbox Twenty last night. The concert was freaking AWESOME! Totally worth having to go with no sleep and being behind on homework. That said, I noticed some things last night that I thought I'd take a moment to draw attention to. I'm sure that most of this will not apply to anyone reading this, but maybe next time you're out on the town and you see some of this behavior, you'll know you aren't the only who is thinking "Wow. What a dumbass."

1. Drinking.
I should think this goes without saying, but seriously, you should not be drunk (so wasted you can't stand up) at a concert. Not only are you a danger to yourself, you are a danger to me. Don't get me wrong here, I'm all for going out and having a good time (even if that good time does include getting so drunk you don't remember who you are). HOWEVER, there is a time and a place for drinking like that and the Sprint Center at a concert isn't the time or the place.

2. Actions after drinking.
When you are so drunk you can't stand/walk/move, you should probably call it quits...not muster the last of your energy to walk to the beer line. This said, when you are on your way back to your seat after buying said beer, do not become belligerent when the usher has to escort you out...before the main act even comes on stage. While you are funny to watch, I paid good money to watch a band and you are distracting me. Please Leave!

3. Talking on your cell phone.
Once again, I would think that this goes without saying, but apparently not. DO NOT USE YOUR CELL PHONE AT A CONCERT! I don't care if it is intermission and nothing is going on, do not call your friend/family member who is on the other side of the arena and proceed to 'find' them. "WAVE YOUR ARMS!!" "I'M WAVING MY DRINK!!" Um, drinks are expensive so you really shouldn't be waving them around...and if you spill it on me you'll have to remove that plastic cup from your ass, which is where I will be placing it after I clean myself off.

4. This one is specifically aimed at those people who take the two drinks per person minimum to heart.
Just because you CAN have two drinks, doesn't mean you (one person) need TWO. Honestly, I could care less that you bought two drinks, but don't spill them on me because you are already too drunk to walk.

5. Getting up and down.
Honestly!!! There isn't much room for people to sit let alone walk through the aisles, so while I don't mind getting up for you once or twice in a 4 hour period...every 15 minutes (literally) is a bit too much for me. When you get up to buy that precious $6 beer, maybe you should use the restroom or buy that hotdog. Also, anyone who drinks knows that when you drink it makes you have to pee more frequently...so maybe you should plan ahead and NOT DRINK SO MUCH!

6. Dancing.
Where do I begin? Perhaps with a story (or two). Here is an instance when it is alright to dance/gyrate/wave your arms/whatever it is that you do: There was a boy in front of us who was about 8 years old. This kid was having the time of his life. He didn't sit down once the main act came on for at least 45 minutes and he waved his arms in the air and sang along the entire time. It was so cute that I couldn't help but watch with a sense of awe. I only wish that I could have that much uninhibited fun. Now for story two: You are a drunk woman wearing a shirt that is too tight standing up SCREAMING the WRONG lyrics so everyone can hear you over the BAND. Sit down. You can't dance. Do not drink any more beer. You are officially cut off. See the difference? 8 year old boy having the time of his life pumping his fist in the air vs. overweight woman spilling beer all over while screaming the wrong lyrics...I'll let you decide which you'd rather see.

7. Making your kids go to a concert they clearly have no interest in seeing.
How do I know they don't care? Because for the entire 4 hours we are there they are texting friends on their phone telling them that they DON'T WANT TO BE THERE! Why do parents waste money on this kind of thing when their kids don't want to go? Hire a sitter and enjoy yourself instead of yelling at your kid the whole night to "pay attention" or you "paid good money for these tickets so you better enjoy it!" Leave the drama at home.

8. Proper attire.
Where in the hell are Clinton and Stacy when you need them?! Ladies, I know we all just want to look our cutest when we're going out, but you might want to rethink that super tight spandex halter top with the super low rise jeans and thong. No body wants to see that (for anyone who knows me, insert irony here, but I don't do it on purpose). Guys, I think the guy I watched on MSNBC "Lock Up" last night said it best, "When you wear your pants all saggy like that we think it's sexy...and you are making yourself an easy target. I like booty." Think about that the next time you pull those pants down below the 'equator'.

If everyone could just adhere to these simple rules, concerts would be much more enjoyable for all. Remember, if your parents would be embarrassed to see you do it or wear it, leave it at home. And if that's your drunk ass mother leaning on you in the beer line, jump off a cliff because you're a lost cause.